cmo/post-Curtains

[trettende]

Call me Out for Prince Hans of the... eventually-thawed heart? (post-Curtains)
Feel free to do AU stuff with me, I am here for all of it.

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[tellthestory]

Oh, no, I didn't tell them you were alive! I just sorta maybe gotinafightwiththem -

[He clears his throat.]

- yeah, that's good! I've never been hunting, and I'd like to keep the house gun-free. Forever. I've had my fill.

[trettende]

You got in a fight with them? Oh, my god, what did they do?

[ Because seriously, Bal didn't even get mad at the Leading Player, he's practically a saint. ]

Honestly, after everything that's happened, I'm done with them too. I never understood the appeal to hunting anyway, it just seems like such a waste just to prove you're... what? Rich enough to kill wild animals? It's mindless violence. Exactly the kind of thing my father loved.

[tellthestory]

[The Balladeer winces.] I don't know if we need to get into that...

[Hans knows his family's terrible already, but does that make it easier to hear about the details?]

He was, uh. Definitely into violence though. Why do they even carry swords in the castle, they've got guards...

[trettende]

That bad, huh?

[ I mean, he knows they can be really bad, but the fact that the Balladeer had to deal with that is probably the worst part. He'll find out eventually though, Bal.... ]

It's... my father was always paranoid that there would be an attempt on his life. Secretly, I just think he liked the thought that he could kill someone at any time. At least that's why Caleb carried one, he's the oldest.

[ And the worst. ]

[tellthestory]

Oh. Yeah, they all had swords when I was there. Think I liked those better than the guns.

[You know. When it comes to crowds of people trying to murder him.]

If he was really that paranoid, he would've had someone to vet the staff. Anyone could've gotten one of those outfits and walked up there. [Notes to make to Lars, maybe, depending on if he decides he cares about Lars's welfare that much.]

[trettende]

Guns in my time aren't nearly as accurate as the ones from yours, that doesn't surprise me. You could get more done with a crossbow.

[ Plus walking around with a sword is way cooler, objectively. Maybe Lars, in his nerdery, will finally buck the trend. ]

Yeah... it's like I said, people don't usually last very long as staff in the castle. My family enjoys firing people at the slightest provocation.

[ ...Not that Hans thought that was a problem till it affected him. (How many maids and nannies did he befriend before they got inevitably fired? Probably a lot, when he was little.) ]

[tellthestory]

[The Balladeer snorts. Firing. It's funny because the old king tried to set Hans on fire figuratively, and then him literally!]

Yeah...yeah, I got that vibe. I keep pretty close tabs on Arendelle, just for any up-and-coming assassins. [New, non-Hans assassins, he could say but doesn't.] That's really their only main option, Elsa can handle anyone she sees coming.

[trettende]

[ What a fun story that Hans would be horrified to hear about! ]

That's... that's good. Hopefully after the mess at Elsa's coronation people will know to steer clear of Arendelle with that kind of thing.

[ The "mess" which he largely caused, but let's not argue semantics. ]

I mean, she has ice powers, you'd have to be pretty crazy to try anything now.

[ And don't you worry, Hans knows exactly how ironic this sounds coming from him, so he is just going to pick up one of those reindeer boxes and get back to shopping. Uh-huh. ]

[tellthestory]

These people do trend crazy.

[And he meant that as a slam against his old cast, but as much as he likes dragging them, it does get dicey when he's dating an attempted regicide. Let's look at Christmas stuff more now, yeah.]

Was Santa Claus a thing people did in your time, or did that start later?

[trettende]

[ The apple doesn't fall that far from the tree, Hans is just lucky he fell somewhere where the threat of death helped him change his ways. Mostly. ]

Actually, in the Southern Isles we have Sinterklaas. I think he's the basis for what people here call Santa Claus? They're pretty similar, he even carries a book with the names of all the children who are naughty or nice throughout the year.

[ Who knew that the Dutch invented Santa? I sure didn't. ]

[tellthestory]

That sounds about right.

[He grins.] You know, with what I can do now, we could definitely be Santa Claus. It's already got a story right there, it just needs acting out.

[trettende]

[ Damn, he's right. He can even teleport to everyone's houses in the same night! Hans may not be the best at giving but he doesn't want to stay That Jerk in people's minds forever. He smiles, definitely on board. ]

We could do it for everyone from the Opera House! Maybe get some rhyming going and dress up in red and green?

[ He knows how these stories go... You have to go all the way. ]

[tellthestory]

[gdi hans if you're not gonna be Santa we're taping an antler to your head]

That'd be fun! Breaking into houses, stealing their cookies... [He laughs.] Let's definitely do it. We can get them gifts from us and Santa!

[trettende]

[ Okay admittedly Bal should be Max and Hans is the perfect Grinch, they can work it out. ]

Wow, I never expected you to be this excited about breaking and entering.

[ HE'S KIDDING....... ]

But yeah, let's do it! They'd never suspect the both of us working on this. The cast gets presents and we'll even get free cookies, who can complain?

[tellthestory]

It's like a nice felony!

I don't think anyone's young enough to still set out milk and cookies. Except Hime, Santa is literally real in her world. [.....] I'm going to convince everyone Santa is real.

[trettende]

[ Hans shakes his head, laughing. Have you wanted to do crime this whole time, Bal?? ]

Who knows? Elsa and Anna might, this is probably going to be their first Christmas together. [ Hans, you know way too much about Anna and Elsa.... ]

Honestly, if they don't suspect you're behind it, they really might. That'll be a real Christmas miracle.

[ How the Balladeer Saved Christmas? ]

[tellthestory]

[He wants to do charity! With secrets!]

Let's do it. Not for Hook though, I'm not going there.

[trettende]

[ So... crime. ]

Yeah, I think going all that way to leave him coal would be a little much.

[ See, look at them! Buying Christmas ornaments, fake reindeer and planning their own Santa Claus adventure. Who's having the best Christmas ever this year? These two. ]

That's what you do, right?

[ His brothers used to get him coal all the time. Now he can totally joke about this because his coal days are over, right?? ]

[tellthestory]

[it's the opposite of theft! it's sneaky giving!]

That's what they say. You're right, it's way too much work. Valjean's probably going to do something weirdly nice for him anyway, I wouldn't want to get underfoot.

[trettende]

[ Breaking and entering! ]

Valjean? He would, wouldn't he? He's practically a saint.

[ He would forgive Hans and invite him to Christmas dinner. ]

What should we get everyone else?

[tellthestory]

He's a Christ allegory in a lotta ways.

[But nevermind that strain of meta.]

I have no idea. I've never really had to get people presents before, I don't even know what I'm getting them from me.

[trettende]

[ Hans shrugs, like he does with most of the meta that goes over his head. ]

Well, you probably can't go wrong with like, a sweater or socks if you want something simple. It doesn't have to be a huge thing, some people are just happy to be remembered.

[ "Some people" meaning people who definitely aren't Hans, that would be lame. ]

But maybe like... some new tools for Billy, a... make up set for Heather? And a text book for Natalie... Things they might find useful.

[ believe it or not, Hans spent a lot of time paying attention to what people liked. ]

[tellthestory]

Yeah, that's...that's good. Should've realized you'd be good at this.

[He picks up some outdoor lights, considers them, then puts them in the cart.]

I thought we'd definitely get some future tech for Billy. Just the kind he's used to having anyway. And...hm. What about Astarte?

[trettende]

Well, I paid a lot of attention to people. Especially what they liked... Made it easier to, y'know, get people to like me.

[ Hey, if it's useful now, then it's a good skill, right? ]

Yeah, Billy would probably appreciate some commodities. Maybe a microwave? [ Hans loves those things. ] For Astarte... well, she had several books she was reading back at the opera, so maybe some fiction? Or a cookbook, her cake was not nearly a good as Hime's.

[tellthestory]

I thought it was fine. [He snaps his fingers.] Let's get Valjean a microwave too! I guess that's sort of for all three of them, if they're living together...but we can put his name on the box. That's brilliant, Hans.

[He grins at him for a moment.] We'll have to make up a whole list and come out later. Still haven't even finished the decorating...you know, it's funny? I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep busy without a show to run.