cmo/post-Curtains

[trettende]

Call me Out for Prince Hans of the... eventually-thawed heart? (post-Curtains)
Feel free to do AU stuff with me, I am here for all of it.

Comments

[trettende]

Oh, good. That's probably for the best, they don't keep people on staff for very long. There's a lot of turnover.

[ Hans shrugs. He'd hate for his family to meet Bal... no one should have to deal with Hans' family, much less the guy he's actually in love with. The fact that he's not inheriting some kingdom would be bad enough if he wasn't also a man. Definitely about as progressive as they are interested in castle safety. ]

Are these-- [ Hans takes a step back, staring in a mix of awe and. Definitely not fear! Just. Um. It's very creepy. ] Why would anyone buy this?

[ I mean, he knows enough to know it's a prop but christ. No one has explained robots to him. ]

[tellthestory]

........yeah, you know, I heard a lot of people left there recently.

[Sometimes he just can't help but make a shitty comment about something.]

I guess...they think it's neat? [The Santa isn't on. Does he want it to be on? Probably not...

He presses the button. Now it's moving.]

[trettende]

Yeah... That sounds typical. I guess I'll eventually have to talk to Lars or something to let him know I haven't died at sea or something. He'd probably write me back if I asked how things were going.

[ The temptation is too real, you've dug this pit for yourself, B. ]

Oh, Christ! [ Thanks for turning it on, Hans definitely jumped the moment it started moving. I mean, I could lie and say he moved in front of the Balladeer to protect him from this thing, but it'd be funnier if he "accidentally" cowered behind the Balladeer a little. So that's what he does.

You didn't see anything tho, it happened too fast. Definitely. Hans clears his throat and steps out from behind Bal. Yes, that happened. ]

Let's, um. Let's not get anything like this. Some things weren't meant to be invented.

[tellthestory]

Oh, um. They definitely think you died at sea. I ended up bringing them the message and everything - guess when you vanish off a boat, people just assume...

[The Balladeer steps forward to flick the Santa robot off again.]

Yeah. Yeah, let's just...save that kind of thing for Halloween. [Or not. They won't get trick or treaters, so does it matter? He moves along, leaning over to peer at one of those lighted deer people put in their yard.] These are okay! Look, the heads just go up and down a little.

[trettende]

[ Hans snorts. That's about as good a plan as he'd have come up with. ]

I'll bet they were happy to hear it.

[ How long has his dad wanted him dead? 23 years? He steps away from the creepy Santa's and follows the Balladeer to the light-up deer. There's a few snowmen too. Do they get snow at their house? ]

Yeah, these are... smaller. They'd probably look nice, they're more obviously fake.

[ Somehow scary monsters like Marshmallow are okay but I think Hans would be seriously creeped out if he saw Olaf. ]

[tellthestory]

[The Balladeer's jaw works slightly, and his tone's a little too bright when he replies:]

Well, I bet they aren't anymore!

[He's considered checking in on them before, just to see how the whole sea monster thing's treating them. But it feels a little too vindictive. Besides, he'll know if they ever break the spell, and that's all that matters.]

We can put two or three out front, maybe. Have you ever seen real deer in there? I know we have birds... [He might take steps to populate the woods with larger wildlife if they aren't there already.]

[trettende]

[ Even comedic timing can't stop Hans from noticing how weird you're being, B. ]

Oh? And why is that? [ Truly Hans cannot imagine why his family would change their mind about his death. Unless...? ] They don't know about us, do they? Not that—I mean you've seen what they're like, you know they'd be awful about it.

[ Hans, Bal just said he'd told them you died at sea, don't let your gay freak out blind you from the facts. But look, without Anna and Elsa, Hans has only one real nemesis in his life and that's his family. Boy, it's great that he won't have to worry about them anymore! ]

I don't know that I've ever seen any back there. That'd be kind of nice to have some, though. I've only ever seen deer on hunting trips... [ Wait. ] Um. Don't worry, I was never actually allowed to hunt with my father, I'm not a barbarian.

[tellthestory]

Oh, no, I didn't tell them you were alive! I just sorta maybe gotinafightwiththem -

[He clears his throat.]

- yeah, that's good! I've never been hunting, and I'd like to keep the house gun-free. Forever. I've had my fill.

[trettende]

You got in a fight with them? Oh, my god, what did they do?

[ Because seriously, Bal didn't even get mad at the Leading Player, he's practically a saint. ]

Honestly, after everything that's happened, I'm done with them too. I never understood the appeal to hunting anyway, it just seems like such a waste just to prove you're... what? Rich enough to kill wild animals? It's mindless violence. Exactly the kind of thing my father loved.

[tellthestory]

[The Balladeer winces.] I don't know if we need to get into that...

[Hans knows his family's terrible already, but does that make it easier to hear about the details?]

He was, uh. Definitely into violence though. Why do they even carry swords in the castle, they've got guards...

[trettende]

That bad, huh?

[ I mean, he knows they can be really bad, but the fact that the Balladeer had to deal with that is probably the worst part. He'll find out eventually though, Bal.... ]

It's... my father was always paranoid that there would be an attempt on his life. Secretly, I just think he liked the thought that he could kill someone at any time. At least that's why Caleb carried one, he's the oldest.

[ And the worst. ]

[tellthestory]

Oh. Yeah, they all had swords when I was there. Think I liked those better than the guns.

[You know. When it comes to crowds of people trying to murder him.]

If he was really that paranoid, he would've had someone to vet the staff. Anyone could've gotten one of those outfits and walked up there. [Notes to make to Lars, maybe, depending on if he decides he cares about Lars's welfare that much.]

[trettende]

Guns in my time aren't nearly as accurate as the ones from yours, that doesn't surprise me. You could get more done with a crossbow.

[ Plus walking around with a sword is way cooler, objectively. Maybe Lars, in his nerdery, will finally buck the trend. ]

Yeah... it's like I said, people don't usually last very long as staff in the castle. My family enjoys firing people at the slightest provocation.

[ ...Not that Hans thought that was a problem till it affected him. (How many maids and nannies did he befriend before they got inevitably fired? Probably a lot, when he was little.) ]

[tellthestory]

[The Balladeer snorts. Firing. It's funny because the old king tried to set Hans on fire figuratively, and then him literally!]

Yeah...yeah, I got that vibe. I keep pretty close tabs on Arendelle, just for any up-and-coming assassins. [New, non-Hans assassins, he could say but doesn't.] That's really their only main option, Elsa can handle anyone she sees coming.

[trettende]

[ What a fun story that Hans would be horrified to hear about! ]

That's... that's good. Hopefully after the mess at Elsa's coronation people will know to steer clear of Arendelle with that kind of thing.

[ The "mess" which he largely caused, but let's not argue semantics. ]

I mean, she has ice powers, you'd have to be pretty crazy to try anything now.

[ And don't you worry, Hans knows exactly how ironic this sounds coming from him, so he is just going to pick up one of those reindeer boxes and get back to shopping. Uh-huh. ]

[tellthestory]

These people do trend crazy.

[And he meant that as a slam against his old cast, but as much as he likes dragging them, it does get dicey when he's dating an attempted regicide. Let's look at Christmas stuff more now, yeah.]

Was Santa Claus a thing people did in your time, or did that start later?

[trettende]

[ The apple doesn't fall that far from the tree, Hans is just lucky he fell somewhere where the threat of death helped him change his ways. Mostly. ]

Actually, in the Southern Isles we have Sinterklaas. I think he's the basis for what people here call Santa Claus? They're pretty similar, he even carries a book with the names of all the children who are naughty or nice throughout the year.

[ Who knew that the Dutch invented Santa? I sure didn't. ]

[tellthestory]

That sounds about right.

[He grins.] You know, with what I can do now, we could definitely be Santa Claus. It's already got a story right there, it just needs acting out.

[trettende]

[ Damn, he's right. He can even teleport to everyone's houses in the same night! Hans may not be the best at giving but he doesn't want to stay That Jerk in people's minds forever. He smiles, definitely on board. ]

We could do it for everyone from the Opera House! Maybe get some rhyming going and dress up in red and green?

[ He knows how these stories go... You have to go all the way. ]

[tellthestory]

[gdi hans if you're not gonna be Santa we're taping an antler to your head]

That'd be fun! Breaking into houses, stealing their cookies... [He laughs.] Let's definitely do it. We can get them gifts from us and Santa!

[trettende]

[ Okay admittedly Bal should be Max and Hans is the perfect Grinch, they can work it out. ]

Wow, I never expected you to be this excited about breaking and entering.

[ HE'S KIDDING....... ]

But yeah, let's do it! They'd never suspect the both of us working on this. The cast gets presents and we'll even get free cookies, who can complain?

[tellthestory]

It's like a nice felony!

I don't think anyone's young enough to still set out milk and cookies. Except Hime, Santa is literally real in her world. [.....] I'm going to convince everyone Santa is real.

[trettende]

[ Hans shakes his head, laughing. Have you wanted to do crime this whole time, Bal?? ]

Who knows? Elsa and Anna might, this is probably going to be their first Christmas together. [ Hans, you know way too much about Anna and Elsa.... ]

Honestly, if they don't suspect you're behind it, they really might. That'll be a real Christmas miracle.

[ How the Balladeer Saved Christmas? ]

[tellthestory]

[He wants to do charity! With secrets!]

Let's do it. Not for Hook though, I'm not going there.

[trettende]

[ So... crime. ]

Yeah, I think going all that way to leave him coal would be a little much.

[ See, look at them! Buying Christmas ornaments, fake reindeer and planning their own Santa Claus adventure. Who's having the best Christmas ever this year? These two. ]

That's what you do, right?

[ His brothers used to get him coal all the time. Now he can totally joke about this because his coal days are over, right?? ]