It's the only thing I could come up with that you couldn't make.
[ Hans shrugs. He's actually really pleased that Bal is so touched, but you know he's gonna try to play it off a little. ]
No, I don't mind getting him something. I can always take the high road there, it's not like he ever actively antagonized me and I'm... trying to be nicer, so it wouldn't be a bad thing.
[ Oh, right. Birthdays. Those are things people celebrate when they're not thirteenth huh. ]
My birthday is on Christmas Day. But I haven't celebrated it since I was... uh, actually I can't remember. Probably never? [ He's totally cool with this, it's been twenty-three years of indifference and torment. ] My brothers used to tease me about it every year, I'm sure you can imagine the kinds of things they said about me.
[Wait, is comparing him to Jesus one of those things his brothers said? We all know he's no Christ allegory anyway, we've already got one in the cast.]
We have to have a party. [He claps his hands together.] A birthday party! I'm so glad you said something, I'd forgotten about birthdays. How do we have a birthday party?
[Cake, right? He knows how to bake a cake. And...what, hats? Again, he suspects this is all for children's birthday parties. But since Hans never had any of those, maybe that isn't such a bad thing?
He'll ask Seymour. No...maybe Billy. Who does he know that didn't have an awful childhood?]
[ Hans chuckles. At least Bal seems excited. He's more worried no one will actually show. ]
Mostly they just called me an 'unwanted gift' or accused me of wanting to upstage Jesus every time I asked for some kind of acknowledgement.
[ But seeing everyone again in one place like before would be nice. Not that Hans minds the time alone, but he knows how well-liked Bal is and they'll probably be overdue for a reunion by then. ]
Um, besides cake and presents... it's basically just a normal party, I think? You might have to ask someone who's had one before.
[ Hans doesn't know about themed parties please give him one... seriously do any of them have normal childhoods? ]
[One or two of the nasty comments he overheard, anyway, while lurking around that castle.]
We can do Christmas in the morning, and have everyone over later. [Whoever wants to come to a dual Christmas/Hans party, anyway. Maybe Anna will at least drop in.] What do you want it to be like? It's your party.
[ Mostly he's just asking because it could explain everything. Hans is kind of a mess, his childhood is largely to blame for it. ]
That sounds... really nice. No one's ever taken the time for me like that, maybe--maybe don't tell everyone it's a party for me, they might actually show up.
[ He chuckles, though there's definitely some hurt there. He's not gonna get emotional in the middle of a store, but he's feeling really touched right now? ]
I really don't know, though. Besides... food, presents and people? I'm not expecting a royal ball like they did for my brothers in the Southern Isles.
No, no, just, uh. Some things I heard when I went to get Sitron.
[He waves a hand to dismiss the topic.]
Okay. I'll just put something together, invite some people. It's been a while since the whole cast was together anyway - our place is as good as any to have guests. Anyone else would have to spend a lot of time on preparations and cleanup.
[He doubtless will set most of it up by hand - you don't handwave important things. But they do have a general source of income, and he won't clean any of it up manually.]
Besides, it would be a shame to set all these decorations up and never have anyone else see them!
Yeah, it's perfect. We can set everything up together! And hopefully everyone shows up, even if they have their own Christmas plans.
[ Hans did plan a few parties while he was in the Opera house, he kind of enjoys it. They're like a couple of party planners. They could even send out invitations! ]
Of course, we'll have to go all out if we're showing off the decorations... [ He sounds excited about it though, he loves showing off. ] I love it.
Ohhhhhh, no. I just dressed up like one of the castle servants - they didn't even really notice I was there. Awful security, by the way. [How do they pay so little attention to their staff that they don't notice when a new one suddenly crops up? There weren't that many servants.] I'm amazed they didn't have more incidents.
[BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT]
Right! Let's get - [He stops up short at a display of a life-sized animatronic Santa.] - woah. That's creepy.
Oh, good. That's probably for the best, they don't keep people on staff for very long. There's a lot of turnover.
[ Hans shrugs. He'd hate for his family to meet Bal... no one should have to deal with Hans' family, much less the guy he's actually in love with. The fact that he's not inheriting some kingdom would be bad enough if he wasn't also a man. Definitely about as progressive as they are interested in castle safety. ]
Are these-- [ Hans takes a step back, staring in a mix of awe and. Definitely not fear! Just. Um. It's very creepy. ] Why would anyone buy this?
[ I mean, he knows enough to know it's a prop but christ. No one has explained robots to him. ]
Yeah... That sounds typical. I guess I'll eventually have to talk to Lars or something to let him know I haven't died at sea or something. He'd probably write me back if I asked how things were going.
[ The temptation is too real, you've dug this pit for yourself, B. ]
Oh, Christ! [ Thanks for turning it on, Hans definitely jumped the moment it started moving. I mean, I could lie and say he moved in front of the Balladeer to protect him from this thing, but it'd be funnier if he "accidentally" cowered behind the Balladeer a little. So that's what he does.
You didn't see anything tho, it happened too fast. Definitely. Hans clears his throat and steps out from behind Bal. Yes, that happened. ]
Let's, um. Let's not get anything like this. Some things weren't meant to be invented.
Oh, um. They definitely think you died at sea. I ended up bringing them the message and everything - guess when you vanish off a boat, people just assume...
[The Balladeer steps forward to flick the Santa robot off again.]
Yeah. Yeah, let's just...save that kind of thing for Halloween. [Or not. They won't get trick or treaters, so does it matter? He moves along, leaning over to peer at one of those lighted deer people put in their yard.] These are okay! Look, the heads just go up and down a little.
[ Hans snorts. That's about as good a plan as he'd have come up with. ]
I'll bet they were happy to hear it.
[ How long has his dad wanted him dead? 23 years? He steps away from the creepy Santa's and follows the Balladeer to the light-up deer. There's a few snowmen too. Do they get snow at their house? ]
Yeah, these are... smaller. They'd probably look nice, they're more obviously fake.
[ Somehow scary monsters like Marshmallow are okay but I think Hans would be seriously creeped out if he saw Olaf. ]
[The Balladeer's jaw works slightly, and his tone's a little too bright when he replies:]
Well, I bet they aren't anymore!
[He's considered checking in on them before, just to see how the whole sea monster thing's treating them. But it feels a little too vindictive. Besides, he'll know if they ever break the spell, and that's all that matters.]
We can put two or three out front, maybe. Have you ever seen real deer in there? I know we have birds... [He might take steps to populate the woods with larger wildlife if they aren't there already.]
[ Even comedic timing can't stop Hans from noticing how weird you're being, B. ]
Oh? And why is that? [ Truly Hans cannot imagine why his family would change their mind about his death. Unless...? ] They don't know about us, do they? Not that—I mean you've seen what they're like, you know they'd be awful about it.
[ Hans, Bal just said he'd told them you died at sea, don't let your gay freak out blind you from the facts. But look, without Anna and Elsa, Hans has only one real nemesis in his life and that's his family. Boy, it's great that he won't have to worry about them anymore! ]
I don't know that I've ever seen any back there. That'd be kind of nice to have some, though. I've only ever seen deer on hunting trips... [ Wait. ] Um. Don't worry, I was never actually allowed to hunt with my father, I'm not a barbarian.
You got in a fight with them? Oh, my god, what did they do?
[ Because seriously, Bal didn't even get mad at the Leading Player, he's practically a saint. ]
Honestly, after everything that's happened, I'm done with them too. I never understood the appeal to hunting anyway, it just seems like such a waste just to prove you're... what? Rich enough to kill wild animals? It's mindless violence. Exactly the kind of thing my father loved.
[ I mean, he knows they can be really bad, but the fact that the Balladeer had to deal with that is probably the worst part. He'll find out eventually though, Bal.... ]
It's... my father was always paranoid that there would be an attempt on his life. Secretly, I just think he liked the thought that he could kill someone at any time. At least that's why Caleb carried one, he's the oldest.
Oh. Yeah, they all had swords when I was there. Think I liked those better than the guns.
[You know. When it comes to crowds of people trying to murder him.]
If he was really that paranoid, he would've had someone to vet the staff. Anyone could've gotten one of those outfits and walked up there. [Notes to make to Lars, maybe, depending on if he decides he cares about Lars's welfare that much.]
Guns in my time aren't nearly as accurate as the ones from yours, that doesn't surprise me. You could get more done with a crossbow.
[ Plus walking around with a sword is way cooler, objectively. Maybe Lars, in his nerdery, will finally buck the trend. ]
Yeah... it's like I said, people don't usually last very long as staff in the castle. My family enjoys firing people at the slightest provocation.
[ ...Not that Hans thought that was a problem till it affected him. (How many maids and nannies did he befriend before they got inevitably fired? Probably a lot, when he was little.) ]
[The Balladeer snorts. Firing. It's funny because the old king tried to set Hans on fire figuratively, and then him literally!]
Yeah...yeah, I got that vibe. I keep pretty close tabs on Arendelle, just for any up-and-coming assassins. [New, non-Hans assassins, he could say but doesn't.] That's really their only main option, Elsa can handle anyone she sees coming.
[ What a fun story that Hans would be horrified to hear about! ]
That's... that's good. Hopefully after the mess at Elsa's coronation people will know to steer clear of Arendelle with that kind of thing.
[ The "mess" which he largely caused, but let's not argue semantics. ]
I mean, she has ice powers, you'd have to be pretty crazy to try anything now.
[ And don't you worry, Hans knows exactly how ironic this sounds coming from him, so he is just going to pick up one of those reindeer boxes and get back to shopping. Uh-huh. ]
[And he meant that as a slam against his old cast, but as much as he likes dragging them, it does get dicey when he's dating an attempted regicide. Let's look at Christmas stuff more now, yeah.]
Was Santa Claus a thing people did in your time, or did that start later?
[ The apple doesn't fall that far from the tree, Hans is just lucky he fell somewhere where the threat of death helped him change his ways. Mostly. ]
Actually, in the Southern Isles we have Sinterklaas. I think he's the basis for what people here call Santa Claus? They're pretty similar, he even carries a book with the names of all the children who are naughty or nice throughout the year.
[ Who knew that the Dutch invented Santa? I sure didn't. ]
Edited (shit I mixed up danish and dutch but let's go with that) 2016-12-22 05:18 (UTC)
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[ Hans shrugs. He's actually really pleased that Bal is so touched, but you know he's gonna try to play it off a little. ]
No, I don't mind getting him something. I can always take the high road there, it's not like he ever actively antagonized me and I'm... trying to be nicer, so it wouldn't be a bad thing.
[ Oh, right. Birthdays. Those are things people celebrate when they're not thirteenth huh. ]
My birthday is on Christmas Day. But I haven't celebrated it since I was... uh, actually I can't remember. Probably never? [ He's totally cool with this, it's been twenty-three years of indifference and torment. ] My brothers used to tease me about it every year, I'm sure you can imagine the kinds of things they said about me.
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[Wait, is comparing him to Jesus one of those things his brothers said? We all know he's no Christ allegory anyway, we've already got one in the cast.]
We have to have a party. [He claps his hands together.] A birthday party! I'm so glad you said something, I'd forgotten about birthdays. How do we have a birthday party?
[Cake, right? He knows how to bake a cake. And...what, hats? Again, he suspects this is all for children's birthday parties. But since Hans never had any of those, maybe that isn't such a bad thing?
He'll ask Seymour. No...maybe Billy. Who does he know that didn't have an awful childhood?]
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Mostly they just called me an 'unwanted gift' or accused me of wanting to upstage Jesus every time I asked for some kind of acknowledgement.
[ But seeing everyone again in one place like before would be nice. Not that Hans minds the time alone, but he knows how well-liked Bal is and they'll probably be overdue for a reunion by then. ]
Um, besides cake and presents... it's basically just a normal party, I think? You might have to ask someone who's had one before.
[ Hans doesn't know about themed parties please give him one... seriously do any of them have normal childhoods? ]
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[One or two of the nasty comments he overheard, anyway, while lurking around that castle.]
We can do Christmas in the morning, and have everyone over later. [Whoever wants to come to a dual Christmas/Hans party, anyway. Maybe Anna will at least drop in.] What do you want it to be like? It's your party.
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[ Mostly he's just asking because it could explain everything. Hans is kind of a mess, his childhood is largely to blame for it. ]
That sounds... really nice. No one's ever taken the time for me like that, maybe--maybe don't tell everyone it's a party for me, they might actually show up.
[ He chuckles, though there's definitely some hurt there. He's not gonna get emotional in the middle of a store, but he's feeling really touched right now? ]
I really don't know, though. Besides... food, presents and people? I'm not expecting a royal ball like they did for my brothers in the Southern Isles.
Actually I might like it better that way.
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[He waves a hand to dismiss the topic.]
Okay. I'll just put something together, invite some people. It's been a while since the whole cast was together anyway - our place is as good as any to have guests. Anyone else would have to spend a lot of time on preparations and cleanup.
[He doubtless will set most of it up by hand - you don't handwave important things. But they do have a general source of income, and he won't clean any of it up manually.]
Besides, it would be a shame to set all these decorations up and never have anyone else see them!
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[ Oh, Hans... you have no idea. ]
Yeah, it's perfect. We can set everything up together! And hopefully everyone shows up, even if they have their own Christmas plans.
[ Hans did plan a few parties while he was in the Opera house, he kind of enjoys it. They're like a couple of party planners. They could even send out invitations! ]
Of course, we'll have to go all out if we're showing off the decorations... [ He sounds excited about it though, he loves showing off. ] I love it.
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[BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT]
Right! Let's get - [He stops up short at a display of a life-sized animatronic Santa.] - woah. That's creepy.
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[ Hans shrugs. He'd hate for his family to meet Bal... no one should have to deal with Hans' family, much less the guy he's actually in love with. The fact that he's not inheriting some kingdom would be bad enough if he wasn't also a man. Definitely about as progressive as they are interested in castle safety. ]
Are these-- [ Hans takes a step back, staring in a mix of awe and. Definitely not fear! Just. Um. It's very creepy. ] Why would anyone buy this?
[ I mean, he knows enough to know it's a prop but christ. No one has explained robots to him. ]
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[Sometimes he just can't help but make a shitty comment about something.]
I guess...they think it's neat? [The Santa isn't on. Does he want it to be on? Probably not...
He presses the button. Now it's moving.]
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[ The temptation is too real, you've dug this pit for yourself, B. ]
Oh, Christ! [ Thanks for turning it on, Hans definitely jumped the moment it started moving. I mean, I could lie and say he moved in front of the Balladeer to protect him from this thing, but it'd be funnier if he "accidentally" cowered behind the Balladeer a little. So that's what he does.
You didn't see anything tho, it happened too fast. Definitely. Hans clears his throat and steps out from behind Bal. Yes, that happened. ]
Let's, um. Let's not get anything like this. Some things weren't meant to be invented.
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[The Balladeer steps forward to flick the Santa robot off again.]
Yeah. Yeah, let's just...save that kind of thing for Halloween. [Or not. They won't get trick or treaters, so does it matter? He moves along, leaning over to peer at one of those lighted deer people put in their yard.] These are okay! Look, the heads just go up and down a little.
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I'll bet they were happy to hear it.
[ How long has his dad wanted him dead? 23 years? He steps away from the creepy Santa's and follows the Balladeer to the light-up deer. There's a few snowmen too. Do they get snow at their house? ]
Yeah, these are... smaller. They'd probably look nice, they're more obviously fake.
[ Somehow scary monsters like Marshmallow are okay but I think Hans would be seriously creeped out if he saw Olaf. ]
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Well, I bet they aren't anymore!
[He's considered checking in on them before, just to see how the whole sea monster thing's treating them. But it feels a little too vindictive. Besides, he'll know if they ever break the spell, and that's all that matters.]
We can put two or three out front, maybe. Have you ever seen real deer in there? I know we have birds... [He might take steps to populate the woods with larger wildlife if they aren't there already.]
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Oh? And why is that? [ Truly Hans cannot imagine why his family would change their mind about his death. Unless...? ] They don't know about us, do they? Not that—I mean you've seen what they're like, you know they'd be awful about it.
[ Hans, Bal just said he'd told them you died at sea, don't let your gay freak out blind you from the facts. But look, without Anna and Elsa, Hans has only one real nemesis in his life and that's his family. Boy, it's great that he won't have to worry about them anymore! ]
I don't know that I've ever seen any back there. That'd be kind of nice to have some, though. I've only ever seen deer on hunting trips... [ Wait. ] Um. Don't worry, I was never actually allowed to hunt with my father, I'm not a barbarian.
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[He clears his throat.]
- yeah, that's good! I've never been hunting, and I'd like to keep the house gun-free. Forever. I've had my fill.
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[ Because seriously, Bal didn't even get mad at the Leading Player, he's practically a saint. ]
Honestly, after everything that's happened, I'm done with them too. I never understood the appeal to hunting anyway, it just seems like such a waste just to prove you're... what? Rich enough to kill wild animals? It's mindless violence. Exactly the kind of thing my father loved.
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[Hans knows his family's terrible already, but does that make it easier to hear about the details?]
He was, uh. Definitely into violence though. Why do they even carry swords in the castle, they've got guards...
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[ I mean, he knows they can be really bad, but the fact that the Balladeer had to deal with that is probably the worst part. He'll find out eventually though, Bal.... ]
It's... my father was always paranoid that there would be an attempt on his life. Secretly, I just think he liked the thought that he could kill someone at any time. At least that's why Caleb carried one, he's the oldest.
[ And the worst. ]
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[You know. When it comes to crowds of people trying to murder him.]
If he was really that paranoid, he would've had someone to vet the staff. Anyone could've gotten one of those outfits and walked up there. [Notes to make to Lars, maybe, depending on if he decides he cares about Lars's welfare that much.]
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[ Plus walking around with a sword is way cooler, objectively. Maybe Lars, in his nerdery, will finally buck the trend. ]
Yeah... it's like I said, people don't usually last very long as staff in the castle. My family enjoys firing people at the slightest provocation.
[ ...Not that Hans thought that was a problem till it affected him. (How many maids and nannies did he befriend before they got inevitably fired? Probably a lot, when he was little.) ]
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Yeah...yeah, I got that vibe. I keep pretty close tabs on Arendelle, just for any up-and-coming assassins. [New, non-Hans assassins, he could say but doesn't.] That's really their only main option, Elsa can handle anyone she sees coming.
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That's... that's good. Hopefully after the mess at Elsa's coronation people will know to steer clear of Arendelle with that kind of thing.
[ The "mess" which he largely caused, but let's not argue semantics. ]
I mean, she has ice powers, you'd have to be pretty crazy to try anything now.
[ And don't you worry, Hans knows exactly how ironic this sounds coming from him, so he is just going to pick up one of those reindeer boxes and get back to shopping. Uh-huh. ]
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[And he meant that as a slam against his old cast, but as much as he likes dragging them, it does get dicey when he's dating an attempted regicide. Let's look at Christmas stuff more now, yeah.]
Was Santa Claus a thing people did in your time, or did that start later?
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Actually, in the Southern Isles we have Sinterklaas. I think he's the basis for what people here call Santa Claus? They're pretty similar, he even carries a book with the names of all the children who are naughty or nice throughout the year.
[ Who knew that the Dutch invented Santa? I sure didn't. ]
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